"The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door..."
Henry Thayer was sorting through the ashes of a fallen city and, as far as he knew, a fallen world.
"Helloooo," Henry shouted down Madison avenue. The only sound in response, was his hollow echo, working its way back through the miles-long row of still cars.
"I'm all alone," he thought to himself.
Then, realizing, if in fact he was truly all alone, then there was no more need for a silent inner monologue, Thayer shouted, "I'm all alone!!"
"Everyone I know and hate is dead! Dead dead dead! Especially Travis Knight!"
Henry Thayer danced that night. He danced a dance that neither you nor I can ever imagine. He danced the dance of survival...also he threw a few 'sprinklers' and a 'lawnmower' move in there for good measure.
"There's nothing left for me here. It's time to move on!" Thayer announced, to no one but the sunrise. "Yet," Henry paused, dramatically acknowledging his qualm, "where am I to go?...I suppose I could.....no...no that's just too much pain back there," Thayer pondered aloud, still to no one, since every one else is dead. "But..." he supposed, "I have to be brave. That settles it! I'm going home! I'm returning to Washington DC...I've got to know if there are people alive! And if so, if they are reforming civilization. We need doctors! policemen! and ....A SOFTBALL UMPIRE!"
Henry had just finished packing his rucksack with food-- canned corn, ham, mayonnaise, canned bread, Orange Crush©, etc -- and other sundry items -- SPF 85 for his baby fair skin, his Ipod, stocked with the complete works of Ace of Base, his battered, dogeared copy of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and of course his trusty plate brush and glow in the dark indicator/clicker thing that he stole from Dave Sack on his last day of Cityball work -- when he said goodbye to his little card and game shop, and turned his back on the dead whore that was the new Manhattan.
"I'll get through the tunnel, work my way down 95, and should be in DC in 2 or 3 days if I hustle," Henry plotted. Traveling through the Lincoln tunnel (because Thayer figured he liked Abraham Lincoln better than the nation of Holland, and well, in this new world maybe there was room for a new and improved method of decision making) the true carnage of the Y2K related blast finally hit the mustachioed protagonist. "So much carnage.." he thought, kicking aside shreds of softball gloves and balls, now just strings and leather tongues on the tunnel floor. "So much pain." Then Henry stopped. He thought he heard a noise.
"Hello?" he called. No response.
"If anyone's there, I'll have you know I've packed a Miken Freak...not the legal 98 Freak with the 2004 ASA Certified Stamp either!" he yelled, brandishing the illegal bat to the tube of darkness that lay before him.
Still, there was no response. "Must have been the wind," Henry assured himself.
Henry exited the tunnel and began walking a bit down the Jersey turnpike. Then, nothing happened for a while so he decided to go to sleep.
That night he had a dream -- a wonderful and terrifying dream that shook him to his very core. Henry was walking through a cornfield when an old woman called out to him -- her name was Agatha...no...Adelaide? No that wasn't right, either. Beatrice? Blanche? No, that was the Golden Girls...dammit...whatever..she had a name Henry knew that...-- and she said "My name is Mother A-----" "God Dammit!" Henry thought. "She said it! She f--king said it..the first thing she said to me was her damn name!...Cordelia?...whatever" She said her name then she said "I'm a huner and sis years ol' and I still call my own balls and strikes! You eva nee help, you come 'round. You come on down to DC. They need you. Playin sof'ball on the Mall wit no bases or umpires...savages. They need you Henry Thayer...they need youuuuuuuuuuu......Oh, and also watch out for zombies. Yeah, there are zombies --the flesh eating kind- you know, from the nuclear fallout. I prolly should have lead off with that, instead of the softball thing, but..yeah, now you know."
Henry awoke in a cold sweat. "They need me! Who needs me?.......and man, what the f--k was her name?!"
Henry rose to his feet, rubbed the dreams from his tired eyes and continued his trek back home-- back to Washington DC...back to Softball.
As he stretched his arms and back, pulling consciousness back into his weary muscles, he turned his head and the sound that filled his ears was an unmistakable one -- the sound of co-ed softball...but also Zombies, and the terror that follows.
Stay tuned for our next installment, Episode III: The Reckoning.
Have a good week guys! Don't forget, Championship Sunday this weekend, followed by the DEYP (End of the Year Party!!!)! I'll be posting a Party Blog post either tonight or Saturday, so come back soon.
Til next time, watch out for Zombies and Jagerbombs!
- Play ball!
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