Party Recovery News

So I'm not ready to talk about the party, or what happened therein....Frankly I don't know how much of what happened can be spoken of again, without seriously harming the psyches of the individuals involved.

That being said, it was a pretty damn good time. Special thanks to the Swingers for a great time and letting me drink out of their championship cup, and to the Bayside Tigers for being the first ones there and the last ones to leave, all the while thoroughly rocking the proverbial house, particularly Brendan Quinn, who got me started way too early on the tequila shots.
Also, Jon Macy, of the newly reformed Jon Macy and the Big Deals, for making me drink unnamed cloudy drinks, resulting in my inability to explain how it is I got home.

There is much much more to say, which will be said in the days to come, for now, it's best we just all clear our heads and get our stories straight.

In serious news, Garretts, DcCityBall and Bartending for Change have joined hands and are bringing you a special Charity Event Happy Hour this Tuesday evening at Garrett's in Georgetown (the same place as the party). For those of you ready to revisit the scene of the social crimes, please join us tomorrow night, starting at six til questionmarks. All tips and donation proceeds will be going to a wonderful cause, our troops in Iraq. The email with complete details is posted below.
-Play ball!

Hello everyone,

I am excited to announce that DC CityBall has created a partnership
with "Bartending for Change" to raise money for different charities by
hosting happy hours at bars/restaurants throughout the DC area.

This Tuesday, July 1st, we will be hosting a happy hour at Garrett's
Bar in Georgetown (corner of 30th and M St in Georgetown) starting at
6pm. There will be an optional $5 donation at the door and ALL TIPS
RECEIVED WILL BE DONATED to GIVE 2 THE TROOPS
(www.give2thetroops.org). The goal of the happy hour is to raise
enough money to provide a "Baseball in A Bag Kit" for U.S. troops
stationed in Iraq.

To help us along, there will be food and drink specials including $2
Bud/Bud Light, $2.50 Miller Lite/Yuengling, ½ priced rail drinks, and
½ priced appetizers. The event will run until people don't feel like
drinking/eating anymore.

I am really excited about this partnership and look forward to a great
turnout this Tuesday.

David Sack
League Commissioner
DC CityBall

Into the DEYP II: The Umpire Strikes Back...You like that, huh? Edition

I'm gonna be honest. I stole all my own thunder with part one. I got nothin left to say to any of you. Go to the party. Let's see what we can scrape together...

So now that you know what it takes to make it through the DEYP let me put the carrot on the end of that stick for you donkeys. Here are a few highlights from years past. (Note: I'm trying not to embarrass anyone, except for Dave and myself, so the identities of certain people/teams have been hidden to protect their identities...but you know who you are!)

-Spring 2006: A young, brash umpire overzealously tries to go drink for drink with not one, but two teams, resulting in the following chain of events -- Umpire leaves bar at 2am, goes to Suntrust ATM for cab fare, bladder is full. Umpire becomes trapped in said ATM. Umpire may or may not have relieved himself on Suntrust ATM. Realizing there is a camera in ATMs, Umpire puts shirt over face. Still trapped, Umpire calls friend for assistance. Friend, barely conscious, sends girlfriend. Girlfriend frees Umpire. Umpire returns to bar. (Scene missing) ....Umpire ends up at brother's apartment. Sings Robert Goulet songs for 45 minutes. Gets sent to bed. Wakes up in bathroom. Tries to board a train at 9. Severely underestimates the necessary level of lucidity needed for train travel. Umpire no longer welcome at Suntrust, Amtrak, City of Trenton.


A certain team attempts to pick up a female from a rival team. Result: Successful.

Fall 2006: Another certain team tries to pick up the sister of a female of a rival team. Result : Failure.

Swingers claim victory of league, declare ownership of the city. Set sights on world domination.

Umpire and Swinger try to set up other Swinger with fine young woman. Swinger too drunk to comprehend English language.

Summer 2007:
(Scene missing) (I broke my phone and disappeared for 3 hours...lets move on)

Fall 2007: Creepy guy from team keeps hugging me, er...I mean Umpire. Other creepy guy hits on Swinger. Neither get any action.

Frankly there are a LOT of other stories...but not many that I can print. Come to the party and see for yourselves.
It's nap time, gotta prepare for tomorrow.

-Play ball

Minor Notes before Part II

Here are just some quick notes/musings before we get back to the DEYP Guide later on in the day.

1) I've spoken (electronically) with an administrator at Blogger, the company which hosts this site, and they're having some trouble with the Polls, specifically for Internet Explorer users. So my apologies if you can't vote on this week's poll. Firefox and Netscape do seem to be working...if anyone still uses Netscape..

2) The weather is looking a little dicey for today/tomorrow, but the games WILL be played unless it gets really bad with thunder and lightning and frogs, etc.

3) Thank you to Evan Stancil for being such a good sport about this week's posts. It's all in good fun.

4) Just to clear something up, which I occassionally have to deal with, I do NOT play on any of the teams in this league. I never have. I'm a full-time umpire for DcCityball and I get paid for my time. Because of a difficulty in finding quality umpires (and yes we do sometime use ASA guys, but the Commissioner really finds it more beneficial for the league to use umpires who are familiar with both the players and the spirit of DcCityball), occassionally Dave and Ryan Hemingway, both Swingers, will umpire games in a pinch. I've been umpiring for almost 10 years, and doing this league for like 4, but I cannot do ALL the games. Henry and Erin have stepped up this season and done a fantastic job, but with the boom of new teams, we are sometimes shorthanded. It is only in a difficult situation, ie the 24 game rain-make-up weekends, that we sometimes use players, who are also experienced officials, to umpire games. They have never and will never umpire their own games!


Anyway, that's all. Check back later.

-Play ball

Go DEYP ITV!: 4 8 15 16 23 42, or the DcCityball 500, How to Stay on Track til the Checkered Flag Waves Edition, Part 1.

So you wanna rock the DcCityball End of the Year Party? I know, you're thinking, "I went to college. I can hold my liquor..there's no party in the world that can beat me!"
Well sir or sir-ette, you've already lost the race. You see, the DcCityball End of the Year Party, or DEYP (pronounced "deep"), as it shall hereupon be referenced, isn't like other parties you've been to before. It's not really a party at all.

It's more like an episode of LOST. First off, you find yourself somewhere unfamiliar (hey, this isn't the Hatter/Front Page/Pourhouse...where am I?) then confusing things start to happen, ie Evan Stancil is humping a bar stool, people are drinking booze from a giant silver trophy cup, polar bears start attacking, and then strangers from the other side of the bar start taking your friends, and you never see them again. Finally, by the time it's all over, you're left with many, many more questions than answers and you need to go onto the Internet the next day to see what actually happened.

There is, however, a way to survive this experience and not only live to tell about it, but have the best damn time of your life, not including Spectrophilia. Look it up. "But Blue, how do we do that?" I'm trying to tell you, so shut your booze-shoots and listen up!

You can't approach the DEYP like a normal party. If you go into this thing thinking, "hey I'll just drink and dance and have a good time", that bar is going to eat your soul and kiss your mother on the lips. You must, instead, approach this party like a race. Not a foot race, not a marathon, not some wussy bicycle race...but a good old fashioned 500 mile southern-drawl Nascar race. Here's how:

Like every Nascar race, the premise is simple, the course direct. You keep doing the same thing over and over right? Make left hand turn after left hand turn; drink beer after beer after beer -- yet every race has its share of crash and burns. Why? Lack of focus, baby.

Step 1. Keep your eyes on the prize.
You spent the past 10 weeks building up to this moment, now you want to blow it all with a momentary lapse of focus? Not on my watch, Flipflops! Keep your focus. This party is about drinking and surviving to drink some more. Don't get distracted by quasi-attractive catchers just because they're all dolled-up instead of wearing scrunchies and Umbro shorts (That was sexist, I'm sorry...guys can wear scrunchies too). Drink your beer, mingle, and be aware of your surroundings. Which leads us to

Step 2. Just like a car race, Avoid the wall.
Sure, it seems innocent enough. You figure you'll just hang on the perimeter with your Bud Light and nacho plate, avoiding eye contact and maybe no one will notice. Maybe you can just sneak by and win this thing by living on the fringes. Well, Johnny Wobbles, no you cannot! So what, you're the one and only member of Stiff Competition to show up? What else is new? You better get your ass in the mix, right in the center of that tile dance floor and love it!
If you don't, and someone spots your sad self pushing that single sour-creamed jalapeno around your plate, nursing your first Bartles and James Kewl-Kiwi-Berry Cooler, you will get thrown into the mix, and at that point will be in WAY over your head in the fun department. Then, you're as good as dead. You can't coast through this party, but you can't be reckless either. Which brings us to

Step 3. Mind the Pace Car.
In every Nascar race, after a crash, there is a car that determines the appropriate speed at which the cars should drive. Go faster than the pace car, and a penalty is coming your way. Drive too much slower and you'll probably cause another wreck. The point is to stay comfortably behind the pace car at all times, and mind its speed. What, you might be wondering, does this have to do with DcCityball? I'll tell you -- Evan Mutha-f--kin Stancil is what. Use Evan Stancil as your guide. If you find yourself drinking any faster than he is, you're doomed to spin out, hit the wall and end up in a crumpled ball of flames and liquid hot dog-chunks. Drink much slower than he, and you're going to cause a jam, and drag down yourself and the entire party. To have a good time, stay a comfortable distance behind Evan "The Human Pace Car" Stancil. (Note: if any of you are saying, "Who the balls is Evan Stancil?" just look for the person with the wettest shirt and biggest grin in the bar. Note within a note: how much more tail do you think Stancil is getting since becoming a regular IntheVicinity star???)

Step 4. Only make pit stops when necessary.
There's no need to keep pulling yourself out of the race to pee/fix your hair/talk on your cell phone/re-apply makeup/ have a 190 minute argument with your brother's fiance, etc...Only leave the track when it's a necessity. Don't go breaking the seal or pulling the trigger too early. You need to get your laps in and keep up, or you might find yourself coming back to a completely unrecognizable party.
Step 5 is an important step, and one that should be considered before even coming to the DEYP.

Step 5. Pay tribute to your sponsors.
I know, I know. You think that if you put on your best 3 pastel polo shirts and wrap yourself in a impermeable cloud of Axe Body Spray, that the cute 2nd basemen from so-and-so will give you a second glance after her 13th Sloe Gin Fizz. Well, that's not why we're here, and no, she won't. Nascar drivers get paid a LOT of money to not only wear a suit made completely of sewn-together logos, but to drink/eat/change their tires with/eat soup out of their sponsors' products. The drivers are a brand in and of themselves. So please, for the love of god, wear your uniform t-shirts (especially if you're playing on Sunday!!)
Dance with who brought you! That Custom Ink t-shirt is the only reason that you're even in this party in the first place, so don't go ditching it now that you're in the big show. Secondly, unless you KNOW that I've called you by your first name at some point this season, I will have NO idea who you are if you're sans uniform. No not because I'm a snob, but because I will be drunk and I need readily available identifiers -- there are 500 of you for christs sake. Softball t-shirts are the most accessible way for everyone to know who you are, and why you belong here, unless you wanna wear a shirt that says "Kind of cute blonde from the Indy Team" or "Douche who applies fake tags."
Will I be wearing my uniform? No. But do as I say and not as I do. I'm an Icon. Some of you might have posters of me, making home plate out calls hanging over your beds. I get it, you look up to me. I know you know who I am. But for the rest of you, this is just an easier, and much cooler method than Hello-my-name-is tags.

Finally, just be proud of your team. Show some spirit. Unless you sucked, then pretend you were on a good team. (Pourhowzer uniforms are available for a nominal fee on their website.)

Now, the Final step.
Step 6. Be a gracious loser/winner. There are like 500 of you, thus the DcCityball 500 (That's 32 teams times 15-16ish players per roster), so only one of you (or one team out of 32) can actually win this thing. Don't be too proud to bow out if you've given it your best shot but don't, realistically, have a shot at taking home the gold. Drivers still get a buttload of cash for finishing like 17th out of 43...so what the hell, take your giant cardboard check to the bank!
If, by chance, you are the winner, and are the last one standing, act accordingly. It's expected of Nascar drivers, on the way to victory lane, to salute the fans who sat through the 5 hour 300 lap race by doing some burn-outs and donuts on the track. Get out on that floor and celebrate a bit, you've earned it -- but be gracious. No need to showboat, act like you've been the drunkest person on M street before. Thank your sponsors, take a last giant swig of whatever is in that cup, pose for a picture or two and ride off into the increasingly approaching sun[rise].



Now, my friends, you have the base knowledge to get through the DEYP. Heed my advice, and follow these steps and you will have a blast. It's a great opportunity to get to know your fellow teammates/drink free beer/make out with a rival/become a DcCityball legend.

On a more serious note, please be responsible. Take cabs home. Keep an eye on your friends and teammates. Be respectful of your fellow party-goes.
Most importantly of all, though beer and food are free, the service is not! TIP YOUR BARTENDERS and be kind and respectful to them, especially the female bartenders. They'll take good care of you, so take care of them. When else can you sit around and eat and drink for an entire evening and not pay a cent? Tip your bartenders and do NOT get out of line with any of them, or I'll start drinking Jagermeister and turn into a fatter, less lucid version of the Incredible Hulk (in theaters now!) Trust me, you won't like me when I'm angry... and drunk and sunburned.

Lastly, please, come to the damn party! It's a great time and we all really enjoy getting to know you guys and girls off the field. There is more to say about this whole shindig, but I will save a bit for Part II, the Epilogue and closing comments.

Hope to see you guys there, and no, do NOT buy me Jager, under any circumstances. You've been warned.

-Play ball!

2000 HITS!!!

What's that I hear? Matchbox 20...?...3 Doors Down?...That stupid "Blue" song??.
..NO! It's the GOOD kind of 2000 hits!

IntheVicinity would like to thank all of its wonderful readers and the fine people at DcCityball for making this site a pretty real success, all things considered. We have 32 teams, let us say that each team has around 15 people...thats like 480-500 total players this season. Either all of you have visited 4 times a piece, or there are some seriously loyal, but select as I suspect, readers who read this site frequently. Thank you to all of you who read our zany spin (what a horrible word...anyone who described themselves as zany is NOT your friend) on a great sports league. We love the league and we love what we're able to do here.

Please, as always, but none of you have, feel free to post comments on any post or shoot us an email at fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com anytime. Let us know what you think, I have no authority over you in cyberspace!

Anyway, thanks again guys and gals, this has really been a fun experience, and it's only fun if people read it...so it's all about you folks. Looking forward to another 2000 hits and plenty more seasons of ZANY online-capering.

Until next time, throw away those Vertical Horizon CDs...you don't need them, they have no power over you...

-Play Ball!

ITV: Better Late than Really Late Edition or, Unleash it to the Maxxx: Extreme Fury Edition

Folks, we were told there'd be nachos.....

My lord, it's going on Thursday already with no post! I tell you, folks, jobs are for suckers, and poor people.

There are some things to be said, yes, many things to be said indeed. Sadly, few of them are about softball.

On the bright(er) side, there are two interesting points of...well...interest, I suppose, regarding this past weekend's events. No, I was not interested in the shellackings handed out by Bayside and the Masterbatters, nor did the AAR smackdown on a flat Blue Team set my soul ablaze...No, this weekend wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped -- but what the balls?! There were two great games! And two is better than none, my grandma always told me -- well one of them did...the other was a little dull in the numerals department.
What two games you ask? Well the two games I'm 'bout to describe, silly!

For the first game, let me set the stage: It's Saturday night and Swingers center fielder/sluggernaut Evan Stancil is sitting at home in his posh Jr. 1 bedroom apartment wearing his best gold and navy velour tracksuit. Stancil,
(in)famously prone to injury in seemingly innocent circumstances has been relegated to his home, under house arrest, during all pre-game evenings for the rest of the year by Swingers manager Liz.
So Evan, or Stancy-Thigpen, as his friends call him (Stancy Pelosi, for our politically sharp readers), is relaxing on his Target futon, watching a rare, but un-not-watchable 24-hour Quantum Leap marathon, drinking Tampico and Gin spritzers and stuffing his face with Raisinets, when a giant brown calamity crashes through his paper thin living/bed/bathroom wall.

There, staring eye-to-glazed-eye with Stancil is the notorious man-killer/Raisinet lover -- the American Grizzly Bear.
ROAR! the bear yells as Evan runs away, as far as one can run in a 12x14 apartment, replying "Please no! Not even I can get injured in my own apartment, eating delicious chocolate covered raisins in my finest velour apparel!"
The bear didn't even wait for Evan to complete his plea -- he swiped at the yellow and red candy jacket in Evan's left hand with unspeakable [unleashed] fury and speed, stealing the sweet treats, and subsequently severing Stancil's hand off at the wrist.

The bear was later spotted riding the 96 bus through Adam's Morgan, and was eventually identified as Justin Kolikoff and 3 other Pourhowzers in a poorly constructed rental costume.


Flash forward to Sunday's game, where the suddenly sullen, detached Swingers took on the red-hot, feel-good Ligers in a rematch of this year's midseason tie. The Swingers took the field early, as suggested by a certain blogmaster, to take infield, but were conspicuously quiet. Where was the chatter? Where was the camaraderie? Where have my Swingers gone, dear friend? The Swingers who enjoyed winning more than they dreaded losing? The loose, scrappy team who won games with solid all-around play instead of blinding speed or chest-hair-straightening power? Where had they gone?

They were nowhere to be found, until some time in the 5th inning....Captain Liz drove in a pair of runs with a double to left field and the bench went wild. The Swingers would bat around that inning, which featured a hook-handed Evan Stancil lumbering around the bases like he was being chased by ghosts, as the Swingers piled on runs against the unsuspecting Ligers. The cheers spouted freely that inning -- the Swingers were exorcising their demons. Dave Sack would cap the game off in the 7th with a single-motion outfield assist to third base that Tom Emanski would have been proud of...

The Swingers had their swagger back, and they cruised 17-8.

Game two has a less interesting back-story but featured the IntheVicinity Performance of the Week Award winner(s)!......Ladies and Gentlemen, THE WIDE STANCES!
Sure I may have written them off (not really, I'm just a Gang Green fan) and sure they lost to the Pourhowzers....but come on, what a gutsy team they were this week. They had the defending NL champs on the ropes all game long, as it took a few spectacular plays and Howzers captain Justin Kolikoff setting fire to several Wide Stance automobilies/pets for the guys in green to come out on top over the underdog Stances squad.

High applaus for the Wide Stances!

So yeah I may be giving the Howzers a hard time this week....but I like to...so whatever.

Anyway, it's getting late and now that you're caught up with what's happened so far in the playoffs you can rest this evening, with visions of Stancil dancing in your heads. Keep your eyes out for my End of the Season Party Survival Guide, to be posted over Friday and Saturday. Please, for the sake of all those involved, yourself included, read the guide, and follow its teachings....or you might end up unleashing the fury all over Hu's Shoes.

Till then, how bout a little chatter?
-Play ball!

End of the Season Party this Sunday!

While many of you are eagerly awaiting Brian's Guide to the End of the Season Party I thought I'd post a quick End of the Season Party related FAQ.

Q: Hey Commish, there is an End of the Season Party?
A: Yes, its this Sunday (June 29th) at Garrett's in Georgetown. It starts at 6pm and we have Free Bud/Bud Light and Free Food.

Q: Is Sierra Nevada free?
A: No, Free Bud and Bud Light.

Q: Shots?
A: No, Free Bud and Bud Light.


Q: Long Islands?
A: You get the point.

Q: If I don't like beer, what should I do?
A: Garrett's sells all kinds of spirits, cordials and wine at very reasonable prices.

Q: If I get really drunk at the party can I make a speech?
A: Unfortunately only the Commissioner is allowed to make an official speech. This is pretty much the only benefit to being the commissioner so back off. However, if you are the Head Umpire you are allowed to make 5 or 7 different toasts as long as they make less and less sense as they go.

Q: If my team wins the DC CityBall Championship Game can I try to take home a player on an opposing team?
A: No, but if your team loses you are encouraged to take home whatever you can get.

Q: Hey Commish, can I buy you a shot of Jaiger?
A: Only if you are cool with me passing out in the bushes in front of Suntrust Bank.

Q: Hey Brian, can I buy you a shot of Jaiger?
A: Only if you can let me out when I trap myself in the Suntrust ATM and the Commish is passed out in the bushes and cannot help me get out.

Q: Where the heck is Evan Stancil..is he injured?
A: That depends...if its 6pm he is spilling beer on his shirt. If its 7pm he is dancing seductively. If its 8pm he is hitting on your girlfriend. If its 9pm he is outside vomiting on Hu's Shoes. If its 10pm the Swingers are getting him into a cab... And if its 6am on Monday morning, he's still drunk and driving to work by himself in the HOV lane.

Q: I really like that guy/girl on the Pour Howzers, are they coming?
A: Unfortunately, they are contractually obligated to drink at the Pour House Pub every Sunday from April 1st to December 1st. Although if they win the Championship Game they'll have to show to get their trophy so keep your fingers crossed.

Q: Is the bartender single?
A: No, please stop asking.

Q: Are there more Nachos coming?
A: Yes, there are. Yes, there are.

SEE YOU ALL SUNDAY!

ITV: Not Altogether There Edition; aka You so Cray-zay Edition

Loyal Reader(s):

My deepest apologies for the lack of posts this week. Since I've only managed to make 14 cents off of this site, because you schmucks won't click on the little Google advertisements at the bottom, I've been forced to go out and get a real job -- and it's consumed my soul (not in a good horror movie kind of way). I'm working through my first of several 13 hour days, splitting time between two jobs, and I haven't had much time to post.

No matter, because I really don't have all that much to say. We are preparing for an excellent weekend of softball, so there will be much more to discuss after Sunday. I will, however, be posting something, I don't know what yet, on Saturday, as I have the day off. My apologies for my lack of coherence; I'm not altogether there today.

For those of you with jobs. Quit them. Jobs are lame. For those of you without jobs, I envy you -- the way the breeze blows freely through your hair as you sit on the couch, watching Step-By-Step reruns and consuming massive amounts of powdered-cheese-products. The way you get by stealing stray coins and unchewed BubbleYum© from you're girlfriend's fanny-pack. The way you lie about there being a roach in your Pizzeria Unos Meatza Pizza Pizza-Skins© in order to get a free Deep-Dish Sundae© dessert treat.... Keep living the dream, my friends. Keep on livin it.

Anyway...

So here's a note to those of you who have lost and whose seasons are now complete:
First of all, thank you. If you're reading this, I'm assuming it's not the first time, so thanks for reading my ridiculous thoughts. I hope you enjoyed them and that I brought a little ray of absurd sunshine into your barely tolerable lives. Maybe I even helped a few of you prolong your inevitable leap(s) off of the K Street Bridge. I'm not saying I'm a hero or anything, but let's call a spade a spade....

Secondly, thank you for a great season. Most of you, and I really mean almost every single team, was week-in and week-out an absolute pleasure to work with. I had a great time this season and I really enjoyed meeting you all.
And to those of you who were not awesome...we'll you're probably not reading this, and I probably won't ever see you again...so screw it.

Okay, so you've lost and you're done for the year. What now? Well of course there's always the end of the season party, which with my Survival Guide (soon to be posted) will be more fun than a forest fire! But that's like weeks away....
Until then, I strongly encourage you, please, come out and watch some playoff games. Not only will the weather be beautiful, and you'll get to hang out with yours truly, but there really will be some awesome games coming up -- they only get better the further into the playoffs we get! Plus, you'll get to know some of your league-mates. Become friends with a rival team. Chat about your experiences with a fellow new team. Or just come to watch how great co-ed softball can look with a season or two under your belts! It's really fun, and we have a lot of teams that are worth getting to know. Come out, bring some red-cupped beverages, and enjoy the sunshine and the glorious ting of double-walled bat on Trump compressed ball.

To those still playing : You shouldn't be reading this. It's two days till game time...you should be watching film, running wind sprints, and shadow-batting.

I must say, however, I was disappointed with the reports I heard regarding the Swingers and Perfect Strangers performances. Did my votes of confidence in the Prediction Showcase mean NOTHING to you all?!?!? Coming out flat in the playoffs is inexcusable. What are you, the Cowboys???

If you want to win this league, you have to come focused, every week. Sure, you need to have a good time, but how do you have a good time popping-up and throwing the ball around?
If one's effort and focus can be questioned so early in the playoffs, what chance does one stand against the league's best? None. Anyway, I'm done wagging my finger, but I hope to see a few teams out there this week early and practicing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have 3 hours left to work, so I'm taking a nap in the basement. Good luck to all teams this weekend.

- Play ball!

ps, thanks to, who I'm assuming was Maria voting 4 times, saying that my absence was the worst part of last week's games.

IntheVicinity: Poor Showing Edition

Scrape together you're 7 closest friends before gametime, folks, it's IntheVicinity!

So Round 1 is over...let it go, it's a ghost -- a hollow, flickering spectre burnt inside your dreams. There's nothing you can do to change the past, so let's move on to the future...

BUT, let's take just a moment to reflect on my 14-for-16 prediction record, and the fact that the two that I missed, were my two if-iest selections, admittedly. I'm kinda disappointed that Gang Green couldn't come out on top, but I won't get into any kind of game analysis until my scouts send me some more detailed reports of the games played this past weekend. I am happy, however, that Team Lucky is still with us in the playoffs! Frankly, they're an awesome team and I'm glad they're still around.

The point -- since this is not about analysis, until I get my scouting reports-- of this post, however, is to talk about something I didn't even MENTION in my 4 prediction posts, because I thought that there was NO way it would even be worth mentioning : FORFEITS. WHAT?!?! Maybe one team only has 7 for the 10 am game....maybe. BUT TWO Playoff games flat out forfeited, and one team playing with 8 in the first round of the playoffs? Come on guys. It seems too early for vacations, it's not a Congress/Recess thing, the weather was nice enough, so what could it be? I certainly hope it wasn't a "we'll probably lose anyway let's not show up" kind of thing, cause that sucks.

I don't expect any more forfeits in the rounds to follow, but I guess we'll see.

Check back later today/early tomorrow for a little more about the week that was. Some teams didn't play up to snuff, and others, noteably the Pourhowzers, far exceeded expectations. They, as I said despite the fact that I did not pick them, certainly have the ability to take it all.

Now I'm going to get some coffee.
-Play ball!

IntheVicinity has got a Semi! (final and Final match-up breakdown to do)

So it's come to this...4 teams, approximately 45 players, 2 fields, and an assload of pocket-fulls of dreams.

You know when you're shirking your cubicle duties in March, not faxing Donald from HR, or making that Excel Spreadsheet for Supervisor Rebbecca because you're filling out those wonderful March Madness Brackets -- those glorious branches on the tree of Post-Football Life?? Then you step back to admire your work, and you realize that somehow...someway...Stanford and Duke are in your Final Four?!?!
Well then we're on the same page. No, this is NOT to say that ANY one of the four teams remaining in my Playoff Prediction Showcase is undeserving, or would be incapable of winning this Spring League Championship...it's just that, if you had instead asked me to pick four teams who I thought would make it, it might not EXACTLY look like this same four. But, I had to chose based on the match-ups, and we're left with four really solid teams: The Masterbatters, Swingers, and Bayside, who have all won championships before, and the Bloop Singles who, if my predictions are correct, will have fielded and swatted their way through the tough, but not breathtaking American League.

I know what you're saying..."Where are the Pourhowzers?? Where are the Perfect Strangers??.."
I don't know, alright...get off my back. Yes, both of those teams are definite possibilities to win it all...as are the Blue Team, PRD, AAR, The Ligers, maybe even another team I'm forgetting...but this is just how the match-ups have shaken out. Maybe Pourhowzers topple the Swingers, sure...maybe Bayside or Masterbatters stumble...maybe Bloop can't string together 4 great games...who knows. Regardless, these are the four teams left, and we'll see who comes out on top.

AL Champs-
Swingers v. Bloop: Maybe this is where, I'm ashamed to say, I've painted myself into a corner. I don't know if Bloop is quite ready to be in the championship game, or if they can beat the Swingers.
Conversely, if you'd asked me if the Swingers would make the finals, I probably would have said no. They have offensive consistency problems and increasingly frequent defensive and base-running lapses. If the Swingers put it all together, they can beat just about anyone, but this year, the games in which they've put it ALL together at once have been fewer than expected. They came out flat against the Ligers and Masterbatters, resulting in a tie and loss, respectively, and couldn't hold on in the Pourhowzers game.
Bloop Singles, on the other hand, have been one of the league's most consistent teams and have looked very very good, but rarely unbeatable.
Can either team beat Bayside/Masterbatters? I don't think so.
Perhaps, the Swingers are my Duke...always good, but just not complete enough to make the finals. Bloop, then, would be my Davidson -- all the tools to win against big teams, and the luck/ability to have it all come together at the right time. Bloop wears the glass recycled plastic slipper in this one, 18-13. Don't fire me, Dave.

NL Champs-
Masterbatters v. Bayside: Even though I'm pretty sure that they've met since, the greatest DcCityBall game that I've ever seen and/or been a part of was the Summer Championship of two summers ago, between these two squadrons. An epic 14 inning battle (if I remember correctly) in which both teams played legit, near professional defense, robbing their opponents of base hits, turning double plays, and getting out of tough jams. I was working the field, first and second base, for this incredible match-up, eventually won by the Masterbatters(who turned the first summer/fall repeat that year), and was astonished by the level of play in a recreational co-ed softball league. If there is a softball Mickey Mantle Pete Incaviglia out there somewhere, that guy, whatever his name is( probably Pete Incaviglia), would have stood up and clapped. "That," he would have said, "is how softball should be played!" Then he would have scratched himself and hit on your mother.

But it's not 2005, or whatever the hell year that was, anymore and I'm not sure this game will live up to what I've built up in my mind as one of the 3 single greatest days of my life (the other two being the time Robert Goulet threw his velvet ascot to me backstage at the Borgata in Atlantic City, ala Joe Green, and the night I beat Barbara Walters in a drinking/arm wrestling/spinning-around-on-a-baseball-bat-then-running-an-obstacle-course contest, thus forcing her to make out with Tom Arnold at the Playboy Mansion. Well...it wasn't exactly for Playboy..it was Swank. And it was less a mansion and more of a...two-car garage, but I'm almost positive it was Barbara Walters. Either way, it was a friggin blast.).
That being said, it's unreasonable to expect the same kind of toe-to-toe ass-kickery as the first time 'round. I do, still, expect a great game out of both teams, and it should be close. Let's go point by point and see who should win.
Infield fielding : Slight edge to Bayside. Great SS (the whole left side really), good fielding pitcher, good catching first basemen, who will come off the bag. Masterbatters are no slouches though, with some dynamic SS play of their own.
Outfield: Big plus to Bayside. Center fielder with tremendous range and solid arm, left fielder with plus arm. This, it should be noted, is despite the legendary Masterbatter's left field arm (Andy).
Pitching: Masterbatters, slight edge.
Base-running: Masterbatters. Bayside has 2 or three burners, but Masterbatters can turn a hump-back liner into a triple, and I've seen it.
Hitting: Bayside. They hit line drives wherever the fielders aren't.
Power hitting: Tough one. Masterbatters probably have more raw power, but Bayside shows it more consistently, with fewer pop outs.
Verdict: Bayside should, if they play to potential, win this game. There might be a lower score than you'd expect from these two offensive juggernauts, because both teams are so defensively competent : Bayside 14, Masterbatters 9.

So there it is. Somehow, in a span of four days, I've whittled 32 teams down to just two: the cream of the Cityball crop -- the Cinderella and the Mainstay.
I don't have a ton to say about the final game -- mostly because I've said all I can about both teams already, but MORE mostly because this match-up probably won't even happen, and I've wasted enough of my/your time. Realistically, anything past Round 1 is probably garbage.

Finals
Bloop v. Bayside:
I'll keep it simple. Few of you not in grey/gold and maroon (save their opponents) have seen Bayside play in the Finals. It's an entirely different animal (pardon the pun, I f---ing hate puns). It took the Masterbatters, at their peak, 14 innings of incredible softball to win by a run. I'm not sure any of the AL teams are as good as the Masterbatters were that year. Fact is, if some jealous Congressional League member held a poorly organized and lower-talent-level gun to my head (Take that competitors!) and made me choose a winner for our league, I'd take Bayside every time. Is it a guarantee that they'll win? No. But they're the safe bet. And they've earned that.

Bayside wins it all, 19-12.



So what the hell do we do now? What am I going to write about? Well, we'll do some updates and recaps the next few weekends regarding the ACTUAL games being played (no I won't do any updated picks, that would be a conflict of interest, remember, I'm not umpiring this weekend). I'll be back next Sunday with my insights, and we'll see how the playoffs really shake out.

Following the championship game, I will, instead of writing a boring Summer League preview, be providing you all with my final post of the Spring Season : The Beginners Guide to the End of the Season Party, with a foreword by Evan Stancil (just kidding, he's already drunk for the party, but I will be giving you a step-by-step guide on how to not only survive the party til the very end, but to optimize your fun to the MAX!)

Good Luck to all teams this weekend, I regret that I won't get to be a part of the first round, but I'm committed to a charity softball event (yes, always with the softball) for the American Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If any of you should ever like to donate to this wonderful cause, you can do so at any time directly on their official website HERE .

Thanks for reading, folks. Keep your eyes on the prize, teams.

-Play Ball!

Playoffs PART 3!!!

Yes folks, we've come so far...it's almost Friday the 13th and it's time for the playoff division showdowns (part 3)! It is in this round that the AL and NL East and West kings and queens will be crowned. Sure, teams have already finished in first place for the regular season, but let's be honest here -- just like the NBA, NHL, and PBA, the regular season is meaningless. This is a playoff league, so whoever wins these match-ups can truly claim division championship status!
I'll try to give my best, most in-depth analysis for these games...but they're going to all be close, hard-fought games, with better defense, hence lower scores.

I cannot guarantee that these picks will be accurate, so please, don't go running to your bookies throwin down 5 dimes on my word...keep bets under 2 grand please. Also, be aware, I'm consistently bad at picking anything, except football games, at which I'm mediocre.

Also, please keep in mind that these predictions/analyses are just for fun. If your team wins and I picked/am picking you to lose, then good for you. But seriously, refrain from playing the "in your face" card on me...Honestly, this isn't that serious, and I get paid no matter who wins...so I really don't care. Frankly, on a hot day, you'll just irritate me by talking about stupid stuff when I'm working. Tony Kornheiser isn't held accountable for his picks, nor shall I be...

AL East
Swingers v. Pourhowzers: This is a rematch of last weekend's showdown, in which the Howzers won due to some 7th inning heroics. Will this game have the same result? Here are a few reasons why I might answer "yes" : The Pourhowzers are undefeated, they will be the home team (last at bats in the playoffs can prove crucial), they've hit and fielded consistently, and they want it more. There are reasons however, to argue for the Swingers in this match-up: They have the playoff experience/they've won a championship before, they were missing their starting SS and leadoff hitter for the regular season game, they have the better fielding outfield in what should prove to be a fly-ball game, and the Pourhowzers played decidedly tight in their first match-up.
The umpire might actually play a role in this game as well. No, not in handing the game to one team or the other, but rather by imposing their strike zone on each team's batters -- ie a high strike zone might benefit the Pourhowzers because with the exception of Dave Sack, the Swingers are not a particularly good high-strike hitting team. Similarly, if an umpire with a tight strike zone were to officiate this game, it would aide the more accurate Ryan Hemingway's pitches, and the Swingers' low-ball batters.
In a game like this, with two teams so equally matched, it really can go either way. For that reason alone, I find it difficult, but not impossible, to imagine either team beating their opponent two games in a row. I might be going out on a limb, but perhaps the Howzers want it too much; if they can't play loose, they can't win this game. My head is telling me Pourhowzers, but my gut won't let me do it. Swingers 17, Howzers 14.

AL West-

Bloop Singles v. Perfect Strangers: To be honest, I'm just guessing that Perfect Strangers are the home team. They have the same record, and I'm to damn lazy to look it up. I don't know who won the regular season game, so this is a pretty worthless analysis. You can probably stop reading right there. That being said, I haven't done many of the Strangers games this season, but I've seen their box scores and watched their celebrations. They win a lot and by a lot, but few team have the fluidity in the field and on the base paths that the Bloop Singles have shown this season. They're playing good softball right now, behind great pitching, solid fielding and well-timed power hitting. The Strangers need to field well, and consistently well, because that's what they'll be seeing from Bloop. Line drives over the infield, or hard ground balls to the left side are the Strangers' friends in this one.
Anyway, I like Bloop in this one no matter who is the home team, especially if this game is played on field #5, where there are wide open spaces to make fly ball catches, regardless of how far they're hit. The knuckle ball will play a role in this win, so Bloop better hope for a breezy, but not gusty day. Bloop 16, Perfect Strangers 12

NL East-
Blue Team v. Masterbatters: This will be a well pitched, well fielded game. The Blue Team might have the better pitcher, but going around the horn from 3rd to first, the Masterbatters are better at each position -- better gloves, and superior arms. Throw in their power at the plate and Andy's arm from left field and it should be a Masterbatter victory.
The Blue Team needs to be selective at the plate, and keep the Masterbatters from hitting line drives to stay in this one. High or inside pitches to the power-hitters can keep the ball catchable for the Blue Team.
The Masterbatters need to take this game seriously, show up with a full roster, and get production out of the bottom of their line-up. They have to get the ball in quickly from the outfield, and take level swings at the high arcing pitches. Overthrows can also be an issue.
Masterbatters win if they take care of the ball and don't pop-out too much.MB 20, Blue Team 13.

NL West-
PRD v. Bayside Tigers: The defending Summer League champs were tripped up by the Perfect Strangers during Rivalry Week, but it just may have been the wake-up call they needed. They'll play hard from start to finish in this game, or they'll lose. PRD has a ton of power and can play the field as well as most teams. They were my early season pick to make the finals, but their recent inability to field a team on a consistent basis has me regretting my choice. PRD can give Bayside a game, but they need to play hard and mistake-free to win. PRD Captain Kevin needs to drive the ball, and come up with runners on base. They also need to hustle down the line with runners on, because the Tigers can turn a double play with ease.
Bayside has the superior outfielders, more power bats, and arguably the best SS in DcCityball. PRD can probably keep up offensively, but Bayside does all the little things right ( getting the ball in quickly, backing-up throws, taking the extra base) and they have a center fielder that will catch anything in his general direction. If, by chance, this game is played on field #6, with the "short" porch in left, this game might get out of hand, in favor of Bayside. As long as Bayside comes to play, and play sober(ish), no one can beat them in the playoffs. Bayside takes it 23-17.

That, if my calculations are correct, leaves us with a Swingers v. Bloop Singles ALCS, and a Masterbatters v. Bayside rematch in the NLCS. Sounds good to me..actually if I've picked 1 out of those 4 teams correctly, I'll be pleasantly surprised, as 2.5 of these games can really go either way...anyway, come back tomorrow for the AL/NL CS picks, as well as my pick this year for League Champs. Good luck to all teams!
-Play ball!

DING! DING! Round 2 Playoff Predictions/Heavy is the head that wears the commissioner's cap

Note: To read Round 1 predictions/analysis, please go HERE .

Time for Round 2 predictions folks, but before we get started, there are two business items to which I must first attend -- 1) For the love of GOD, go get FREE BEER when there is FREE BEER to be gotten! The past few weeks there has been FREE BEER at the Mad Hatter and NO ONE is going, save myself, the commish, and the Bayside Tigers (cause that's what champions do!)....and # 2) Since we have a readership of less than 10 people total (counting myself twice) I feel comfortable telling you all this story in confidence.

*Two nights ago, at approximately 4:30 a.m. EST, I received a call from our league's commissioner, asking me to come to his apartment to deal with a league matter. Confused and half-asleep, I agreed, catching the first taxi to come down my street. At nearly 5:00 a.m. I arrived at his building. I dialed his room number and, without saying a word, he buzzed me up.

In the lobby, a sinister-looking janitor swung his straw broom ominously, back and forth, like a pendulum, shaking his head at me and twirling his salt-and-pepper mustache. "These are dark times," he rasped. "Dark times."
I brushed past him to the commissioner's room, 237, and rapped at the door. No answer. I knocked again, but still there was no answer.
Hesitantly, I turned the knob. It clicked and creaked like an old man's hips, and a thumbnail of light beamed from between the door and its jamb. Gathering all my bravery, I swung the door open with a quick thrush.
I'll never forget what I saw there that night -- the commissioner was sitting in the center of his 200 square foot apartment on an old wicker rocking chair, lit only by a single dangling 45-watt bulb (soft white if I remember correctly), wearing only his underwear and the official-issue powder blue DCCityBall STAFF golf shirt -- he was eating Captain Crunch (it was OOPS! All Berries, a limited edition cereal created under the premise that the Captain's factory machines had jammed, preventing crunch cereal from reaching the boxes and resulting in boxes and boxes of all-crunchberry mayhem. The cereal was last issued in 2003, so I knew things were bad) right out of the box with a broken shard of a Frisbee.

The rest of the apartment was empty, save for a mess of papers -- charts, graphs, diagrams -- and the solitary glint of a Colt six-shooter. 45 caliber.
"Don't look at me!" he shouted, but I could not look away. "I can't do it...I'm a beaten man.." he told me. He continued to explain that he'd been up for days trying to create the seedings for the softball playoffs; all were done except for the NL West. You see, both the Mad Cows and ODB had identical 4-4 records having both gone 0-1 in rivalry week. "What about head to head?" I inquired. He snapped at me, "DOUBLE FORFEIT YOU DOLT! Don't you think I thought of that?!" I apologized, picking up some papers from the ground. They were beautiful -- reams upon reams of pie charts, parabolas, equations, and a few hand-turkeys, all leading to the same conclusion : the two teams were in a perfect tie.

"There's only one solution," he continued. "That's why I called you here." He picked up the Colt pistol and I could feel the color drain from my face. I watched him place .45 caliber bullets in 3 of the six chambers, alternating spaces so that every other chamber was filled.
I asked him what he was doing, but he stopped me and said that this was the only way.
"If I die, it means the Mad Cows get the #3 seed. If not, it's ODB. There's a 50-50 chance now," he told me as he spun and cocked the gun in a single motion. "If its the Cows, I need you to run the league. I've taught you all I can, you have it within you. Lead them. You must lead them all."
I tried to argue with him but with each passing syllable the gun crept closer to his bearded chin. He placed his finger on the trigger and, opening his squinted left eye he looked at me, "Brian..."

"Yes?" I replied.

"One last thing....If I don't make it....tell....the Pourhowzers....tell them....that they suck.."

With that he clenched his jaw and pulled the trigger. There was no boom, only an empty CLICK and the clatter of cereal on the parquet floor.

Instantly his demeanor changed. "Alright, looks like ODB takes on Stiff Competition after all. Glad to get that over with! That should be a good game......
... Hey, you want some Crunchberries?"


So before you go complaining about anything, just know how devoted our commissioner is to this league and its teams. Now, on to ROUND 2!
*Based on a true story.

AL East
Gang Green v. Pourhowzers : I'm not sure there are many teams who can hang with the Howzers on the field. So unless this is a drinking contest, I think Gang Green falls, and falls hard. Howzers 22-9.

Swingers v. Ligers: The first time these two teams met, it ended in a tie. That says a lot about the way the Ligers have played lately, but if the Swingers bring their A game, and A roster, they can put the Ligers away early. Swingers 17, Ligers 10.

AL West
Diamond Cutters v. Perfect Strangers: The Strangers have some added firepower, and the Cutters tend to throw a flat-ball...that could lead to a few round trippers early. Strangers win 19-8.

Sharks v. Bloop Singles: Bloop just looks too good lately. They've been scoring a ton of runs and always play great D. Not sure the Sharks can keep up with them for much more than an inning or two. Bloop takes it 18-9.

NL East
Scared Hitless v. Masterbatters: It's going to take a lot for any team to silence the powerful Masterbatters bats, and I don't think Scared Hitless has quite what it takes. The Masterbatters have 3 or 4 legit home run threats each time through the lineup, not to mention 2 of the best arms in the league. That's too much for most teams. MB 20-6.

AAR v. Blue Team: This is easily the best match up of the weekend. Both teams have great pitchers and can put a lot of runs on the board. Frankly, this game might just be a toss up. The Blue Team has more experience going deeper into the playoffs, but neither team has been entirely consistent lately. Flip a coin.
Blue Team 19, AAR 17 Home team wins.

NL West
Springfield Isotopes v. Bayside Tigers: Two classic team names from two classic shows. People all my life have been telling me I'm half Homer Simpson and half Mr. Belding...personally I was always a Mr. Tuttle fan (bonus points if you know who that is, and that he taught driver's ed, without looking it up). Anyway, no contest here, Bayside beats Valley, 26-7.

ODB v. PRD: Ah, the battle of acronyms! Should also be a close game. If PRD brings a full roster, and comes to play, it's their game to lose. If not, ODB can roll. My guess: PRD wins 19-11.

Well, that's all for round 2. Keep an eye out for the division, league and world championship predictions in the days to come!

1000 HITS!

Another milestone approaches for IntheVicinity-- we're nearing, and will soon pass 1000 hits! Look out Charlie Hustle, we're coming for you!

PLAYOFFS?! ITV Playoff Preview - Round 1

Slap on some Coppertone and chug that Cream Soda, its the 110 degree edition of IntheVicinity!

As nothing particularly notable happened during our final week of the regular season, lets get right to the playoffs. As promised, this will be the one and only, exclusive in-depth round-by-round, team-by-team, uncomfortable-homoerotic-celebration by uncomfortable-homoerotic-celebration PLAYOFF BREAKDOWN!

Now I know you're all saying to yourselves, "But you're an official. It would be a blatant conflict of interest for you to pick which teams will win. How is that any better than Tim Donaghy/Pete Rose/R. Kelly??"

My response: First of all, I think you've been grossly misinformed about the R. Kelly trial, it has little, if anything, to do with softball. Second, I will NOT be officiating ANY first round games this weekend, as I will not be in attendance due to a prior softball commitment (seriously, not a joke). Therefor I can say whatever the hell I want about the first round match ups. As for the rounds to follow, well, all my predictions/analysis will be based on the first round match ups, which may or may not come true, thus it's purely speculation on a potentially fictional scenario. Take that.
Thirdly, and lastly, some of you are probably thinking, "Hey this is a total Bill Simmons rip-off."
My response to that: Shut up. He didn't invent the Internet. Al Gore did. And he didn't invent choosing things. Monty Hall did. Eat it.

Now, on to the DcCityball Playoffs. To all teams: now is not the time to get sensitive. I've watched/officiated 90% of all DcCityball Softball games the past 3.5 years -- if I pick you to lose, well, you probably should lose, but it's nothing personal. Also, first round match ups are rarely competitive, so bring a book.

First Round:
AL East-
Cowbell v. Pourhowzers : Not much of a battle here. Cowbell has been ringing as of late, but the Pourhowzers, on the shoulders of an 8-0 season and timely, consistent hitting, should silence the noise. My pick: 23-5.MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

KBR v. Ligers: Two new teams, both out to prove that they can hang with the DC Elite. However, KBR has struggled against top teams, while the Ligers have improved each week since the season began. Featuring one of the leagues top pitchers, strong fundamental defense, and skills in magic, the Ligers remind this ump of a young Bloop Singles team. Ligers 17, KBR 6.

Gang Green v. Wide Stances : Interesting match up here, because it may prove to be the first round's lone upset. Gang Green really gelled last week, winning both installments of a day/later-that-day double-header, while Wide Stances looked lost this weekend against More Cowbell. IF, and this is a big if, as the playoffs have a tendency to bring out a lot of unfamiliar, highly talented players (we call them ringers), the Gang Green of last week plays the Wide Stances of last week, Gang Green wins 14-9.

Ace of Basehits v. Swingers : Ace of Basehits hasn't played up to expectations (or the awesomeness of their name/uniforms) as of late, and the Swingers always come to play when its really on the line. If regular SS Carey Ingram returns, allowing Sam to move back to the outfield, and if pitcher Ryan Hemingway continues to rake at the plate, the Swingers should easily defeat Sweden's best. Final Score: 20-9.

AL West-
Liquid Courage v. Bloop Singles : On paper, there's not much of a battle here. Unfortunately for Liquid Courage, there's not much of a battle here in any medium -- clay, sand, and especially not softball field. Bloop's starting pitcher Ari (sp?) has been successful all year with his knuckle-ball, getting over-anxious hitters to pop out time after time. Bloop's offense has been impressive and should carry them further into the playoffs than previous years. Bloop 21, LC 4. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Summer of George v. Perfect Strangers : Frankly I don't recognize many of the Strangers' (no pun intended...) players despite the fact that they've been in the league for as long as I have. But, this is a good thing, as the Strangers of years past have been vulnerable to forfeits, even in the playoffs. These new players seem to be showing up and playing quite well, as they've earned a 7-1 record. No contest here, as unfortunately, The Summer of George's fate is now inextricably linked to that of their namesake -- at home on the couch after round 1, eating bulk-cheese in their respective sweatpants, screaming at the TV. Strangers 19, SOG 2. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Team Lucky v. Diamond Cutters : This game will depend on the umpires interpretation of ASA pitching rules. The Diamond Cutters have had troubles adhering to the legal pitch requirements and could be in for a drawn out walk-fest. Still, Lucky has had issues with offensive consistency. Should be a close one -- 13-10, Diamond Cutters win.

Giant Pandas v. Sharks : This is perhaps the most intriguing match up if it occurred for real in nature. I think both battles have the same result -- Sharks strike early, and the Pandas fall victim. Hopefully, the use of softballs and bats, rather than teeth and claws, results in a great deal less blood, bamboo, and crying children. Sharks 14-10.


NL East-
Square Pegs v. Masterbatters : Square Pegs haven't pulled off a win yet this season, and I don't expect they'll get it against the former Summer and Fall League Champs. MB 25, SPegs 3. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

McKlovins v. Blue Team : While the Blue Team suffered an unexpected loss this past week, I don't expect history to repeat itself. Blue Team should win this game with a superior fundamental skill set. Better pitching, better hitting, and consistent fielding. (Note: not ONE super-bad joke ALL SEASON LONG. HI-FIVE) Blue Team rolls 22-7, but this one might go 7.

Scared Hitless v. Myoclonic Jerks : I haven't seen much of Scared Hitless this spring, but from what I remember from the fall, they should give the Jerks a run for their money. The Jerks will need Brian to be selective at the plate, and keep the ball between outfielders, and for first baseman Bill to come to the plate with runners on base. Scared Hitless needs to avoid getting into a word-war with the Jerks' outspoken pitcher. My prediction: a minor upset as Scared Hitless takes down the Jerks 15-12.

Crusher Destroyer v. AAR : AAR has been, at times, as inconsistent at the plate inning-to-inning as they've been with team names, year-to-year. They have the potential to score 10 in the 1st inning, but also the potential to go silent for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Still, they're bound to have at least one inning of offensive pyrotechnics, and the upstart C-D team just doesn't have the firepower to keep pace. AAR wins 23-10.

NL West-
Free Agents v. Bayside Tigers : Not even the Free Agents' being disqualified due to forfeiting can stop the Tigers from scoring some runs on this phantom-team. (Seriously, I never even saw their uniforms...are we sure Dave didn't just imagine this guys?) Regardless, Bayside cruises 385-0. BOOK IT.

Springfield Isotopes v. Madcows : This is a tough one to call, as a couple of the Isotopes' losses are from forfeits. Assuming both teams come to play, with their rostered players, it should be a close one. The Cows can score some runs, but can they consistently make plays in the field? My best guess: Isotopes tip the Cows 12-9.

CSU Rams v. Potomac River Ducks : Will the Ducks show up? I haven't seen them play in like 3 weeks. If they do, they should cruise. I really thought that PRD would make a strong run at the title this season, but roster issues have lead to an unimpressive 5-3 record. Still, they have the firepower to mercy rule the Rams. Ducks 24, CSU 5. MERCY RULE CANDIDATE

Stiff Competition v. ODB : ODB should roll pretty easily in this first round. It will be interesting to see though, how the team responds to stiffER competition in round 2. ODB 17-5.


That's all for round one. Round two match-ups and predictions will be posted soon. Regardless of who wins/loses, we always hope to see some teams stick around and watch your friends/league-mates play on. All teams are invited to the championship game extravaganza, and the following party, so we hope to see you all there.

Till next time, hide your red cups, and show no mercy...before the 5th inning.

Good luck, and play ball!

Rivalrous Reflections

Let's double-dip it folks, here's a brief recap of Rivalry Week:


It seems only fitting, with the Lakers and the Celts squaring off in the NBA Finals once again, that DcCityball too, renews some old rivalries in its first (hopefully annual) Rivalry Week.
We saw some old-time match ups that brought back memories of Dave Roberts, pink t-shirts, Dudley Thunderheats and Gold-dots, 12 teams, and a single, solitary Field # 5 -- the place where it all began.

Back in the Spring/Summer season of 2005, I was coming off my sophomore year of undergrad and was in need of some supplemental summer employment, seeing as I was making a cool 8 dollars an hour as a research assistant for the university. From there, you know the story(ies).

The league has come a long way since then, in several ways -- the league has exploded to 32 teams, we've since switched to the Trump high compression ball, Adams Mill is finally gone, and the Myoclonic Jerks, 0-12 in their first season, are now playoff staples. The point being: this league has history.

This Rivalry Week, obviously, meant more to the league fixtures than the new squads, but we hope, a few seasons from now, each team will have a meaningful match-up to look forward to (yes, i ended with a preposition...eat me). So, from the colorful Gang Green v. Blue team, to the cinematic Ligers v. McKlovin, this weekend featured some of DcCityball's best battles of the year.

As per your vote, the Rivalry Week Game of the Week, by a wide margin, was the Return of Ron match up ODB v. Pourhowzers. While ODB had an early offensive outburst, they were unable to keep pace with the white-hot 'Howzers, who eventually cruised to a comfortable win. Scary moment of the game: 2nd basewoman Maggie Cross left in the top of the first with a head injury following a collision on a Ron Murdock double. Despite the ensuing emotional buzz which permeated the game, this umpire thought the play was clean on both sides, with an unfortunate result. Frankly the game was a little more heated and a little less fun than I had anticipated/hoped, but it was a well-played game and that's what counts.
Of course, IntheVicinity wishes a speedy recovery to Cross.

In other news, The Swingers, just one week before their match-up with the Pourhowzers, dropped their first game, falling to the Masterbatters. The game was there for either team to take, but the Masterbatters strung hits together when the Swingers could not. Still, next week's Swingers v. 'Howzers game should be a classic.

Possibly the scoop of the week: The Bayside Tigers suffered a very rare regular season loss to the new-look Perfect Strangers. Is their chance to repeat as summer champs in jeopardy??? We shall see.

Anyway, there would be much more to report, but half the games I was scheduled to do resulted in forfeits...so, the moral of the story: stop forfeiting...you're killing my blog, goddammit.

In off the field news, I do now, in fact, have my very own Topps baseball card, thanks to the Pourhowzers, and there will be autograph signings, upon request, behind the backstop of Field #5 folling the 4:15 game this Sunday.

Finally, both IntheVicinity and DcCityball would like to welcome its newest member into the softball family, our new summer league umpire, Gang Green's own John Macey (sp?). Welcome, John, and prepare for tennisracquetmaplesyrupporcupinelighterfluid hazing.

That's gonna do it for this post. Good luck to our teams next week, and get ready for the Playoffs Spectacular, complete with in-depth preview and your's truly's pick's's. Seacrest out.

-Play ball!

You otter not forfeit by Commissioner Dave Sack

Before I get started on topics ranging from why my players hate free beer to why my players hate me...let me first add to the origin story. Not the origin of Brian the Ump, but of Brian the Man, ney, Brian the Baby. People ask me all the the time, "hey commish, where the heck did you find that Brian dude." While the story is so intense and unbelievable that I rarely speak it aloud for fear of frightening any listener, I think putting it in writing might be an acceptable form of conveying the story as well as a cathartic experience for the author. Before you point out any age discrepancies in the story please remember that my relationship with West Potomac Park and Softball is similar to that of Jack Torrence and The Overlook Hotel; best summed up by paraphrasing one Delbert Grady, "I've always been here." The year was 1985 and DC CityBall (then District of Columbia Leisure and Games Club) consisted of just 2 teams...Bases to the Future and The Truffle Shuffles. I was loading up my VW Vanagon and heading home to relax snort coke and watch supertv when I noticed a basket floating in the Potomac River. As I edged closer to the river I could hear a tiny cry and realized it was coming from the basket. I was able to pull the basket from the river and what I saw both shocked and awed me. Wrapped only in an ASA Approved Double-Knit Blanket was a tiny baby...a tiny, bearded, irritable, hairy baby. What I had first interpreted as cries were actually umpire calls. The tiny baby was umping a tiny, imaginary game in his head. Needless to say I took the baby and raised him as my own-mentoring him in the art of umping, commissioning and blogging.

Now, to the 2 teams who turned out for FREE BEER at the Hatter, hope you enjoyed it. And to the other 30 teams...seriously? Free beer, 25 cent wings, bar with no natural light or clocks. What gives? Finally, on a semi-serious note a quick word about the league. I have always prided myself on creating a league that offers something for everyone: competitive teams, recreational teams, beginner teams, beer league teams. But this league has rules and the rules need to be followed. Teams must wear shirts and athletic shoes, teams must show up on time with their own players and I expect all teams to respect their opponents, the umpires and the league at all times. The mound is not an open-mic comedy hour and the outfield is not a tanning salon. This is rec league softball people, act like you've been here before. The rules are in place to keep the games fun, competitive, organized and especially to keep the league from becoming a glorified pick-up league.

Glad we have so many returning teams for Summer Ball and look forward to a few new ones! And to those of you still wondering what the title of this post means, well, you just aren't in the inner circle of DC CityBall.

FAQs: Uniforms Required Edition

Keep your shirt on TopGun, the Uniforms Required Edition of IntheVicinity here!

Before we recap the some of the most intense and uncomfortable rivalry moments since Demolition's Ax and Smash came out 1 and 2 in the '89 Royal Rumble, I've been getting flooded with hundreds fours or fives of questions and emails regarding what it's like to be a DcCityball umpire. Since I couldn't possibly remember all the specific details of all of your questions, I will provide you with a brief, yet frank FAQs section. As always, please keep in mind that the opinions expressed by IntheVicinity and its author do not necessarily represent those of DcCityball, its officials, sponsors, and shareholders. This is an unofficial website, and if you have questions, concerns, or comments, please direct them to fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com...and please remember, it's all in good fun. Okay, lets get on with the Q and A.

Q. What's the worst thing about being an umpire?
A. A permanent and unalterable farmer's tan.

Q. What's the best thing about being an umpire?
A. The glamour. Everywhere I go, people know me. Ladies follow me about town and I've got more money wings and Miller Lite than I know what to do with. I'm just livin the dream guys and gals. I'm just livin the dream.

Q. Hey, can't any moron with a collared shirt be an umpire for a co-ed recreational softball league?
A. No. If you haven't read my origin story , then let me inform you that umpiring kind of loosely follows George Romero Zombie rules -- either be born of one, or be bitten (of sorts) by one.

Q. Why are you such a dick?
A. Honestly, it isn't my fault that you failed in any actual athletic endeavors in your life and instead of making millions of dollars in the big leagues, you're stuck trying to show-up girls half your size, and 50 year-olds in knee braces, so don't get mad at me 'cause I rang you up for not swinging a large metal club at a giant ball moving roughly the basic speed of gravity just because you "wanted to see more pitches in your at bat" ...tool.
You're right, I should be nicer.

Q. I know you guys are constantly heckled and second-guessed for basically every call you make. Doesn't that bother you?
A. It's not the actual heckling, but more often the kind of heckling, or the source of it. See, if you don't know that a ball that hits the backstop can't be caught for an out...or that we play 7 innings, not 6 "rounds," then I certainly don't want to hear you complain that I didn't invoke the infield fly rule with 2 outs and nobody on base. It doesn't "bother" me when people have questions. I understand that not everyone knows every rule in the book, and I'm more than happy to clear things up for people who are new to the game. Those people are usually considerate and respectful. However, it gets a tad tedious explaining in week 7 to someone who argues every ball and strike, that no, you can't steal bases in this league.

There are things, however, that DO bother umpires. I will list some for you, not as an admonishment, just as a friendly reminder. Consider it in-season mental conditioning.

1. Poor sportsmanship -- I don't just mean not shaking hands after a tough loss, or stealing another team's water bottles or children, but little things like fake-tags at home. If someone tore an ACL trying to avoid your fake tag in a Sunday softball game, you'd feel pretty guilty about that. If you're a 230 pound male then you shouldn't feel proud about taking out a 95 pound female catcher just so you can say you hit for the cycle. And no, you're not being Joe Torre by intentionally walking a batter to get to a weaker one. Sure there's no rule against fake tags, intentional walks, etc, but if it's so important to you to be a winner in a no-prize-money-co-ed-rec league, then, well, you're kind of a loser. It violates the spirit and the vibe of the league. Its just bad karma, and the softball gods will get you back. Everyone should have a good time, not just you. Safety and sportsmanship first, always.

2. Inconsistancy of character, on and off the field -- Don't pat me on the back and offer me a beer after a game in which you told me you hope that I, and everyone in my immediate family, get lupus because I missed a tag call. And don't ask me why I didn't call that batter out for stepping on home plate when two innings prior you asked me to let you play 9 guys and 1 girl cause "hey it's just for fun, right?" We take things seriously, but the prime objective is fun, not fascism.

3. Cluelessness -- Try to refrain from telling us that "ugh..the fields look a little rough" or "the grass is still wet" for your 4:15 game after the umpires and commissioner have been there since at least 8 am working to turn the Everglades into a playable infield for the 10 am games. No joke here...it's just a really lame thing to do.

3a. Cluelessness of the sport -- Everyone argues...we've touched on this. But if you're going to argue about the finer points of the game, umpires hate it when you do things like call runs "points" and pitches "throws." Let me tell you a story, to illustrate how much we hate this.
The year was 1995 and a young un-mustachioed Henry was in a Blimpies® in Laurel, MD, enjoying his footlong Blimpies Best® sub (that's ham, salami, prosciuttini, cappacola, and provolone, with your choice of toppings)and watching the Orioles game on TV when he heard the Blimpie Bell® on the front door begin to jangle. The doors swung open, and through the radiant Maryland sun, strode a 7-foot Jewish adonis -- UCONN's own, Travis Knight. Henry, in awe of the super- star... star... basektball player, offered Knight a seat at his table and asked the center to autograph his Blimpies Best® sandwich. Knight obliged, jotting, "Stay in school, practice hard, observe the sabbath, your pal, T-Knight," on the underside of Henry's Blimpie Bun®. The two sat, enjoying their subs and watching the Orioles game. "Wow, that throw looked like a strike," Knight commented, observing a Mike Mussina four-pitch walk. Henry twitched in dismay. "This looks like a good baseball match," Knight continued. The table shook. "I can't see the score, how many points do the Orioles have?" With that, something inside young Henry snapped. In a single panther-like motion Henry lifted the UCONN Husky over his head and threw him, Iron Sheik style into the breakfast display. Blimpie Bluffins® (egg, ham or bacon, and cheese on a pillowy butter croissant) flew through the air like spooked pheasants. Henry began beating on the stunned Knight with what was left of his delicious Blimpies Best®, until Travis was unconscious, and all that remained of the sub was a scrap of bun --"...observe the sabbath" and a mustard stain.
Knight would later be drafted 29th by the Chicago Bulls in the 1996 draft, but haunted by the savage beating he'd received in Laurel, MD that day, had only limited success as a pro.

4. Forfeits -- This is a long post, but I could write an equally long entry, simply by listing the things I would rather be doing on my Sunday morning than waking up at 7 to get to West Potomac at 8 am to prepare muddy fields for a game that isn't going to happen, and then, explaining to the other team's captain, who I genuinely like as a person, why he or she also got out of bed and rallied his/her players to the field on time, only to have no other team to play. It sucks for everyone involved. I get paid for forfeits, but I'd rather get paid for umping a game. More so, I do in fact, genuinely like the teams in this league, so it really bothers me to have to break bad news to good, considerate, punctual captains and their players.

I know, sometimes female #2 or player #8 gets stuck in traffic/can't find parking/woke up on the LOST island/has scurvy...but there's rarely an excuse for having 5,4,3 or NO players show for a game. We co-ed rec softballers are a rare breed -- we've gotta stick together! Help your fellow captains out, and don't make them wake up all for naught.

Anyway, that's all the time we have for questions, so to the 6 of you readers out there, have fun, be safe, don't throw balls at each other, and for God's sake, this isn't an Axe commercial, play with your damn shirts on.
You know what they say, "If you can't stand the heat ...of having your shirt on for a 60 minute softball game, most of which is spent standing around drinking and lounging in the shade... then go to Blimpies® where they've got all the refreshments you'll need to keep your cool and not look like a damn redneck.

In all seriousness, the league has been fantastic so far this summer and I'm really enjoying it. It's been a lot of fun, so don't take anything I said TOO seriously.

Check back later in the week for a recap of some of Rivalry Week's chippiest games!
Play ball!