FAQs: Uniforms Required Edition

Keep your shirt on TopGun, the Uniforms Required Edition of IntheVicinity here!

Before we recap the some of the most intense and uncomfortable rivalry moments since Demolition's Ax and Smash came out 1 and 2 in the '89 Royal Rumble, I've been getting flooded with hundreds fours or fives of questions and emails regarding what it's like to be a DcCityball umpire. Since I couldn't possibly remember all the specific details of all of your questions, I will provide you with a brief, yet frank FAQs section. As always, please keep in mind that the opinions expressed by IntheVicinity and its author do not necessarily represent those of DcCityball, its officials, sponsors, and shareholders. This is an unofficial website, and if you have questions, concerns, or comments, please direct them to fitz.dccityblog@gmail.com...and please remember, it's all in good fun. Okay, lets get on with the Q and A.

Q. What's the worst thing about being an umpire?
A. A permanent and unalterable farmer's tan.

Q. What's the best thing about being an umpire?
A. The glamour. Everywhere I go, people know me. Ladies follow me about town and I've got more money wings and Miller Lite than I know what to do with. I'm just livin the dream guys and gals. I'm just livin the dream.

Q. Hey, can't any moron with a collared shirt be an umpire for a co-ed recreational softball league?
A. No. If you haven't read my origin story , then let me inform you that umpiring kind of loosely follows George Romero Zombie rules -- either be born of one, or be bitten (of sorts) by one.

Q. Why are you such a dick?
A. Honestly, it isn't my fault that you failed in any actual athletic endeavors in your life and instead of making millions of dollars in the big leagues, you're stuck trying to show-up girls half your size, and 50 year-olds in knee braces, so don't get mad at me 'cause I rang you up for not swinging a large metal club at a giant ball moving roughly the basic speed of gravity just because you "wanted to see more pitches in your at bat" ...tool.
You're right, I should be nicer.

Q. I know you guys are constantly heckled and second-guessed for basically every call you make. Doesn't that bother you?
A. It's not the actual heckling, but more often the kind of heckling, or the source of it. See, if you don't know that a ball that hits the backstop can't be caught for an out...or that we play 7 innings, not 6 "rounds," then I certainly don't want to hear you complain that I didn't invoke the infield fly rule with 2 outs and nobody on base. It doesn't "bother" me when people have questions. I understand that not everyone knows every rule in the book, and I'm more than happy to clear things up for people who are new to the game. Those people are usually considerate and respectful. However, it gets a tad tedious explaining in week 7 to someone who argues every ball and strike, that no, you can't steal bases in this league.

There are things, however, that DO bother umpires. I will list some for you, not as an admonishment, just as a friendly reminder. Consider it in-season mental conditioning.

1. Poor sportsmanship -- I don't just mean not shaking hands after a tough loss, or stealing another team's water bottles or children, but little things like fake-tags at home. If someone tore an ACL trying to avoid your fake tag in a Sunday softball game, you'd feel pretty guilty about that. If you're a 230 pound male then you shouldn't feel proud about taking out a 95 pound female catcher just so you can say you hit for the cycle. And no, you're not being Joe Torre by intentionally walking a batter to get to a weaker one. Sure there's no rule against fake tags, intentional walks, etc, but if it's so important to you to be a winner in a no-prize-money-co-ed-rec league, then, well, you're kind of a loser. It violates the spirit and the vibe of the league. Its just bad karma, and the softball gods will get you back. Everyone should have a good time, not just you. Safety and sportsmanship first, always.

2. Inconsistancy of character, on and off the field -- Don't pat me on the back and offer me a beer after a game in which you told me you hope that I, and everyone in my immediate family, get lupus because I missed a tag call. And don't ask me why I didn't call that batter out for stepping on home plate when two innings prior you asked me to let you play 9 guys and 1 girl cause "hey it's just for fun, right?" We take things seriously, but the prime objective is fun, not fascism.

3. Cluelessness -- Try to refrain from telling us that "ugh..the fields look a little rough" or "the grass is still wet" for your 4:15 game after the umpires and commissioner have been there since at least 8 am working to turn the Everglades into a playable infield for the 10 am games. No joke here...it's just a really lame thing to do.

3a. Cluelessness of the sport -- Everyone argues...we've touched on this. But if you're going to argue about the finer points of the game, umpires hate it when you do things like call runs "points" and pitches "throws." Let me tell you a story, to illustrate how much we hate this.
The year was 1995 and a young un-mustachioed Henry was in a Blimpies® in Laurel, MD, enjoying his footlong Blimpies Best® sub (that's ham, salami, prosciuttini, cappacola, and provolone, with your choice of toppings)and watching the Orioles game on TV when he heard the Blimpie Bell® on the front door begin to jangle. The doors swung open, and through the radiant Maryland sun, strode a 7-foot Jewish adonis -- UCONN's own, Travis Knight. Henry, in awe of the super- star... star... basektball player, offered Knight a seat at his table and asked the center to autograph his Blimpies Best® sandwich. Knight obliged, jotting, "Stay in school, practice hard, observe the sabbath, your pal, T-Knight," on the underside of Henry's Blimpie Bun®. The two sat, enjoying their subs and watching the Orioles game. "Wow, that throw looked like a strike," Knight commented, observing a Mike Mussina four-pitch walk. Henry twitched in dismay. "This looks like a good baseball match," Knight continued. The table shook. "I can't see the score, how many points do the Orioles have?" With that, something inside young Henry snapped. In a single panther-like motion Henry lifted the UCONN Husky over his head and threw him, Iron Sheik style into the breakfast display. Blimpie Bluffins® (egg, ham or bacon, and cheese on a pillowy butter croissant) flew through the air like spooked pheasants. Henry began beating on the stunned Knight with what was left of his delicious Blimpies Best®, until Travis was unconscious, and all that remained of the sub was a scrap of bun --"...observe the sabbath" and a mustard stain.
Knight would later be drafted 29th by the Chicago Bulls in the 1996 draft, but haunted by the savage beating he'd received in Laurel, MD that day, had only limited success as a pro.

4. Forfeits -- This is a long post, but I could write an equally long entry, simply by listing the things I would rather be doing on my Sunday morning than waking up at 7 to get to West Potomac at 8 am to prepare muddy fields for a game that isn't going to happen, and then, explaining to the other team's captain, who I genuinely like as a person, why he or she also got out of bed and rallied his/her players to the field on time, only to have no other team to play. It sucks for everyone involved. I get paid for forfeits, but I'd rather get paid for umping a game. More so, I do in fact, genuinely like the teams in this league, so it really bothers me to have to break bad news to good, considerate, punctual captains and their players.

I know, sometimes female #2 or player #8 gets stuck in traffic/can't find parking/woke up on the LOST island/has scurvy...but there's rarely an excuse for having 5,4,3 or NO players show for a game. We co-ed rec softballers are a rare breed -- we've gotta stick together! Help your fellow captains out, and don't make them wake up all for naught.

Anyway, that's all the time we have for questions, so to the 6 of you readers out there, have fun, be safe, don't throw balls at each other, and for God's sake, this isn't an Axe commercial, play with your damn shirts on.
You know what they say, "If you can't stand the heat ...of having your shirt on for a 60 minute softball game, most of which is spent standing around drinking and lounging in the shade... then go to Blimpies® where they've got all the refreshments you'll need to keep your cool and not look like a damn redneck.

In all seriousness, the league has been fantastic so far this summer and I'm really enjoying it. It's been a lot of fun, so don't take anything I said TOO seriously.

Check back later in the week for a recap of some of Rivalry Week's chippiest games!
Play ball!