Note: To read Round 1 predictions/analysis, please go HERE .
Time for Round 2 predictions folks, but before we get started, there are two business items to which I must first attend -- 1) For the love of GOD, go get FREE BEER when there is FREE BEER to be gotten! The past few weeks there has been FREE BEER at the Mad Hatter and NO ONE is going, save myself, the commish, and the Bayside Tigers (cause that's what champions do!)....and # 2) Since we have a readership of less than 10 people total (counting myself twice) I feel comfortable telling you all this story in confidence.
*Two nights ago, at approximately 4:30 a.m. EST, I received a call from our league's commissioner, asking me to come to his apartment to deal with a league matter. Confused and half-asleep, I agreed, catching the first taxi to come down my street. At nearly 5:00 a.m. I arrived at his building. I dialed his room number and, without saying a word, he buzzed me up.
In the lobby, a sinister-looking janitor swung his straw broom ominously, back and forth, like a pendulum, shaking his head at me and twirling his salt-and-pepper mustache. "These are dark times," he rasped. "Dark times."
I brushed past him to the commissioner's room, 237, and rapped at the door. No answer. I knocked again, but still there was no answer.
Hesitantly, I turned the knob. It clicked and creaked like an old man's hips, and a thumbnail of light beamed from between the door and its jamb. Gathering all my bravery, I swung the door open with a quick thrush.
I'll never forget what I saw there that night -- the commissioner was sitting in the center of his 200 square foot apartment on an old wicker rocking chair, lit only by a single dangling 45-watt bulb (soft white if I remember correctly), wearing only his underwear and the official-issue powder blue DCCityBall STAFF golf shirt -- he was eating Captain Crunch (it was OOPS! All Berries, a limited edition cereal created under the premise that the Captain's factory machines had jammed, preventing crunch cereal from reaching the boxes and resulting in boxes and boxes of all-crunchberry mayhem. The cereal was last issued in 2003, so I knew things were bad) right out of the box with a broken shard of a Frisbee.
The rest of the apartment was empty, save for a mess of papers -- charts, graphs, diagrams -- and the solitary glint of a Colt six-shooter. 45 caliber.
"Don't look at me!" he shouted, but I could not look away. "I can't do it...I'm a beaten man.." he told me. He continued to explain that he'd been up for days trying to create the seedings for the softball playoffs; all were done except for the NL West. You see, both the Mad Cows and ODB had identical 4-4 records having both gone 0-1 in rivalry week. "What about head to head?" I inquired. He snapped at me, "DOUBLE FORFEIT YOU DOLT! Don't you think I thought of that?!" I apologized, picking up some papers from the ground. They were beautiful -- reams upon reams of pie charts, parabolas, equations, and a few hand-turkeys, all leading to the same conclusion : the two teams were in a perfect tie.
"There's only one solution," he continued. "That's why I called you here." He picked up the Colt pistol and I could feel the color drain from my face. I watched him place .45 caliber bullets in 3 of the six chambers, alternating spaces so that every other chamber was filled.
I asked him what he was doing, but he stopped me and said that this was the only way.
"If I die, it means the Mad Cows get the #3 seed. If not, it's ODB. There's a 50-50 chance now," he told me as he spun and cocked the gun in a single motion. "If its the Cows, I need you to run the league. I've taught you all I can, you have it within you. Lead them. You must lead them all."
I tried to argue with him but with each passing syllable the gun crept closer to his bearded chin. He placed his finger on the trigger and, opening his squinted left eye he looked at me, "Brian..."
"Yes?" I replied.
"One last thing....If I don't make it....tell....the Pourhowzers....tell them....that they suck.."
With that he clenched his jaw and pulled the trigger. There was no boom, only an empty CLICK and the clatter of cereal on the parquet floor.
Instantly his demeanor changed. "Alright, looks like ODB takes on Stiff Competition after all. Glad to get that over with! That should be a good game......
... Hey, you want some Crunchberries?"
So before you go complaining about anything, just know how devoted our commissioner is to this league and its teams. Now, on to ROUND 2!
*Based on a true story.
AL East
Gang Green v. Pourhowzers : I'm not sure there are many teams who can hang with the Howzers on the field. So unless this is a drinking contest, I think Gang Green falls, and falls hard. Howzers 22-9.
Swingers v. Ligers: The first time these two teams met, it ended in a tie. That says a lot about the way the Ligers have played lately, but if the Swingers bring their A game, and A roster, they can put the Ligers away early. Swingers 17, Ligers 10.
AL West
Diamond Cutters v. Perfect Strangers: The Strangers have some added firepower, and the Cutters tend to throw a flat-ball...that could lead to a few round trippers early. Strangers win 19-8.
Sharks v. Bloop Singles: Bloop just looks too good lately. They've been scoring a ton of runs and always play great D. Not sure the Sharks can keep up with them for much more than an inning or two. Bloop takes it 18-9.
NL East
Scared Hitless v. Masterbatters: It's going to take a lot for any team to silence the powerful Masterbatters bats, and I don't think Scared Hitless has quite what it takes. The Masterbatters have 3 or 4 legit home run threats each time through the lineup, not to mention 2 of the best arms in the league. That's too much for most teams. MB 20-6.
AAR v. Blue Team: This is easily the best match up of the weekend. Both teams have great pitchers and can put a lot of runs on the board. Frankly, this game might just be a toss up. The Blue Team has more experience going deeper into the playoffs, but neither team has been entirely consistent lately. Flip a coin.
Blue Team 19, AAR 17 Home team wins.
NL West
Springfield Isotopes v. Bayside Tigers: Two classic team names from two classic shows. People all my life have been telling me I'm half Homer Simpson and half Mr. Belding...personally I was always a Mr. Tuttle fan (bonus points if you know who that is, and that he taught driver's ed, without looking it up). Anyway, no contest here, Bayside beats Valley, 26-7.
ODB v. PRD: Ah, the battle of acronyms! Should also be a close game. If PRD brings a full roster, and comes to play, it's their game to lose. If not, ODB can roll. My guess: PRD wins 19-11.
Well, that's all for round 2. Keep an eye out for the division, league and world championship predictions in the days to come!
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