So you wanna rock the DcCityball End of the Year Party? I know, you're thinking, "I went to college. I can hold my liquor..there's no party in the world that can beat me!"
Well sir or sir-ette, you've already lost the race. You see, the DcCityball End of the Year Party, or DEYP (pronounced "deep"), as it shall hereupon be referenced, isn't like other parties you've been to before. It's not really a party at all.
It's more like an episode of LOST. First off, you find yourself somewhere unfamiliar (hey, this isn't the Hatter/Front Page/Pourhouse...where am I?) then confusing things start to happen, ie Evan Stancil is humping a bar stool, people are drinking booze from a giant silver trophy cup, polar bears start attacking, and then strangers from the other side of the bar start taking your friends, and you never see them again. Finally, by the time it's all over, you're left with many, many more questions than answers and you need to go onto the Internet the next day to see what actually happened.
There is, however, a way to survive this experience and not only live to tell about it, but have the best damn time of your life, not including Spectrophilia. Look it up. "But Blue, how do we do that?" I'm trying to tell you, so shut your booze-shoots and listen up!
You can't approach the DEYP like a normal party. If you go into this thing thinking, "hey I'll just drink and dance and have a good time", that bar is going to eat your soul and kiss your mother on the lips. You must, instead, approach this party like a race. Not a foot race, not a marathon, not some wussy bicycle race...but a good old fashioned 500 mile southern-drawl Nascar race. Here's how:
Like every Nascar race, the premise is simple, the course direct. You keep doing the same thing over and over right? Make left hand turn after left hand turn; drink beer after beer after beer -- yet every race has its share of crash and burns. Why? Lack of focus, baby.
Step 1. Keep your eyes on the prize.You spent the past 10 weeks building up to this moment, now you want to blow it all with a momentary lapse of focus? Not on my watch, Flipflops! Keep your focus. This party is about drinking and surviving to drink some more. Don't get distracted by quasi-attractive catchers just because they're all dolled-up instead of wearing scrunchies and
Umbro shorts (That was sexist, I'm sorry...guys can wear scrunchies too). Drink your beer, mingle, and be aware of your surroundings. Which leads us to
Step 2. Just like a car race, Avoid the wall. Sure, it seems innocent enough. You figure you'll just hang on the perimeter with your Bud Light and nacho plate, avoiding eye contact and maybe no one will notice. Maybe you can just sneak by and win this thing by living on the fringes. Well, Johnny Wobbles, no you cannot! So what, you're the one and only member of Stiff Competition to show up? What else is new? You better get your ass in the mix, right in the center of that tile dance floor and love it!
If you don't, and someone spots your sad self pushing that single sour-creamed jalapeno around your plate, nursing your first
Bartles and James Kewl-Kiwi-Berry Cooler, you will get thrown into the mix, and at that point will be in WAY over your head in the fun department. Then, you're as good as dead. You can't coast through this party, but you can't be reckless either. Which brings us to
Step 3. Mind the Pace Car. In every Nascar race, after a crash, there is a car that determines the appropriate speed at which the cars should drive. Go faster than the pace car, and a penalty is coming your way. Drive too much slower and you'll probably cause another wreck. The point is to stay comfortably behind the pace car at all times, and mind its speed. What, you might be wondering, does this have to do with DcCityball? I'll tell you -- Evan Mutha-f--kin Stancil is what. Use Evan Stancil as your guide. If you find yourself drinking any faster than he is, you're doomed to spin out, hit the wall and end up in a crumpled ball of flames and liquid hot dog-chunks. Drink much slower than he, and you're going to cause a jam, and drag down yourself and the entire party. To have a good time, stay a comfortable distance behind Evan "The Human Pace Car" Stancil. (Note: if any of you are saying, "Who the balls is Evan Stancil?" just look for the person with the wettest shirt and biggest grin in the bar. Note within a note: how much more tail do you think Stancil is getting since becoming a regular IntheVicinity star???)
Step 4. Only make pit stops when necessary.There's no need to keep pulling yourself out of the race to pee/fix your hair/talk on your cell phone/re-apply makeup/ have a 190 minute argument with your brother's fiance, etc...Only leave the track when it's a necessity. Don't go breaking the seal or pulling the trigger too early. You need to get your laps in and keep up, or you might find yourself coming back to a completely unrecognizable party.
Step 5 is an important step, and one that should be considered before even coming to the DEYP.
Step 5. Pay tribute to your sponsors.I know, I know. You think that if you put on your best 3 pastel polo shirts and wrap yourself in a impermeable cloud of Axe Body Spray, that the cute 2nd basemen from so-and-so will give you a second glance after her 13th Sloe Gin Fizz. Well, that's not why we're here, and no, she won't. Nascar drivers get paid a LOT of money to not only wear a suit made completely of
sewn-together logos, but to drink/eat/change their tires with/eat soup out of their sponsors' products. The drivers are a brand in and of themselves. So please, for the love of god, wear your
uniform t-shirts (especially if you're playing on Sunday!!)
Dance with who brought you! That Custom Ink t-shirt is the only reason that you're even in this party in the first place, so don't go ditching it now that you're in the big show. Secondly, unless you KNOW that I've called you by your first name at some point this season, I will have NO idea who you are if you're sans uniform. No not because I'm a snob, but because I will be drunk and I need readily available identifiers -- there are 500 of you for christs sake. Softball t-shirts are the most accessible way for everyone to know who you are, and why you belong here, unless you wanna wear a shirt that says "Kind of cute blonde from the Indy Team" or "Douche who applies fake tags."
Will I be wearing my uniform? No. But do as I say and not as I do. I'm an Icon. Some of you might have posters of me, making home plate out calls hanging over your beds. I get it, you look up to me. I know you know who I am. But for the rest of you, this is just an easier, and much cooler method than Hello-my-name-is tags.
Finally, just be proud of your team. Show some spirit. Unless you sucked, then pretend you were on a good team. (Pourhowzer uniforms are available for a nominal fee on
their website.)
Now, the Final step.
Step 6. Be a gracious loser/winner. There are like 500 of you, thus the DcCityball 500 (That's 32 teams times 15-16ish players per roster), so only one of you (or one team out of 32) can actually win this thing. Don't be too proud to bow out if you've given it your best shot but don't, realistically, have a shot at taking home the gold. Drivers still get a buttload of cash for finishing like 17th out of 43...so what the hell, take your giant cardboard check to the bank!
If, by chance, you are the winner, and are the last one standing, act accordingly. It's expected of Nascar drivers, on the way to victory lane, to salute the fans who sat through the 5 hour 300 lap race by doing some burn-outs and donuts on the track. Get out on that floor and celebrate a bit, you've earned it -- but be gracious. No need to showboat, act like you've been the drunkest person on M street before. Thank your sponsors, take a last giant swig of whatever is in that cup, pose for a picture or two and ride off into the increasingly approaching sun[rise].
Now, my friends, you have the base knowledge to get through the DEYP. Heed my advice, and follow these steps and you will have a blast. It's a great opportunity to get to know your fellow teammates/drink free beer/make out with a rival/become a DcCityball legend.
On a more serious note, please be responsible. Take cabs home. Keep an eye on your friends and teammates. Be respectful of your fellow party-goes.
Most importantly of all, though beer and food are free, the service is not! TIP YOUR BARTENDERS and be kind and
respectful to them, especially the female bartenders. They'll take good care of you, so take care of them. When else can you sit around and eat and drink for an entire evening and not pay a cent? Tip your bartenders and do NOT get out of line with any of them, or I'll start drinking Jagermeister and turn into a fatter, less lucid version of the Incredible Hulk (in theaters now!) Trust me, you won't like me when I'm angry... and drunk and sunburned.
Lastly, please, come to the damn party! It's a great time and we all really enjoy getting to know you guys and girls off the field. There is more to say about this whole shindig, but I will save a bit for Part II, the Epilogue and closing comments.
Hope to see you guys there, and no, do NOT buy me Jager, under any circumstances. You've been warned.
-Play ball!
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